My journey to peacefulness with kids began when I was but a child myself. I think the first pangs of questioning came when I didn't want to do what I was told; and when I realised I did not have the right to refuse. I suspect that everyone's journeys with these kinds of things begin then actually. I think it is in those times when we feel anger, upset, and the frustration of being powerless - that we are nurturing a burning fire within us. Many of us will go on to be broken, perhaps temporarily. Some of us will be crushed but will recover from that. Lots will perhaps put out the fire, or dull it a bit, because it seems a good choice to not fight such a strong power. That was what I did, as I grew. There seemed no point in fighting an unwinnable battle. I was no match for the adults in my life, who lorded so much power over me and who did not allow me to consent to or object to, the things that happened to me.
Adults do hold a lot of power over children, however well-intentioned they may be. All through our societies, across all social classes, over all the countries of the world and in every kind of community imaginable; there is a chasm of a power imbalance between adults and children. In the kindest and most stable of families, children are born to parents they didn't choose, live in a home they didn't have a say in, and are brought up in a way that someone else decides upon. If we think more broadly about all that is demanded of children while they live these lives that were pre-selected for them; this illuminates the same thing. Adults hold significant power over children.
I believe that we live in a new era of childrens' rights; that something big is happening and that change is bubbling up. We have people now whose careers are built around the rights of children. People are discussing whether they have a right to hit their children and that is a heavily debated parenting topic. I think it is promising that we are seeing these things. Children will benefit from that. Certainly children all over the place are still denied rights constantly and this is considered not out of the ordinary; but I feel hopeful that this is a conversation being had. I think our children will reap the benefits of this change and of the shifting in our own minds as we think about new ways to do things.
I want to talk about one of the most basic things I feel our kids need, moving forward into a more respectful and safe future for kids - the right to be free of punishment. Not hitting children is one part of this, but punishment goes beyond hitting and into other methods which are designed to harm children (and which do harm children). That entire paradigm is problematic. There is no respectful way to punish somebody. When we consider that children are developmentally immature by design and as a natural part of childhood, making it expected that they act like children and be imperfect every day; the violence of punishment becomes clearer still.
Punishment is considered good parenting right now. All along the way, when you are a parent here in Australia (where I live), you are supported to punish your children and enabled to continue doing so. And you receive what I call, social punishment if you don't. As in, not only are you not supported to raise children punishment-free, but you will actually hit barriers that have been put in your way on purpose, barriers designed to make it harder for you, if you make the decision to raise your children without punishing them. People want you to suffer, because they see this as doing something wrong as a parent. They see you as not doing your job properly.
One day I visited the office of a local Child Health Nurse. I went there on advice from an organisation that had been supporting me. I had been sent because they were a pathway for me in seeking a type of support I wished to access. When I arrived at this person's office, they were so angry to find out that I didn't punish my children (one of my toddlers hit the other which was a sign to me that they were tired, so I immediately picked them up and they promptly fell asleep in my arms); that they denied me an appointment and the usual brochures and other support usually given to people in my situation. They became infuriated. A colleague came over to intervene because of the aggression from them.
I left there as a young, poor, disabled parent of four young children, having been denied appropriate support (and support that I was entitled to as a community member) as punishment for my parenting decisions. She held up a parenting course to me as kind of leverage, saying that if I agreed to do it she would support me. I did not agree to do it. It was a course about punishment and reward. I had already analysed this particular course and many of you have probably even been to it. I can tell when I am in public and coming into contact with families, that many people in my area have done this course or are using its principles. Like many similar courses and step-by-steps about raising kids with punishment, it is cleverly framed as being about connection and "positive behaviours", but is more about using force and power to coerce kids into compliance, and to teach adults to look past reasons for behaviours and toward how to get them to stop as quickly as possible.
When we left, my son who was fascinated by letterboxes at that time, didn't want to leave because there was an interesting letterbox. Me and my other three children stood there waiting while he looked at the letterbox. I didn't want to stay there at the time - the incident was upsetting and I wanted to leave. But I had chosen to work on a certain kind of relationship with my children, so my son remained free to enjoy the letterbox without me using force to bring him away. And while I was upset by that incident and still think about it five years later, I feel fortunate that my children were safe from punishment and that my son was free to look at a letterbox. I am grateful that he was able to keep his own curiosity and interests. I am happy that he could explore his world without someone threatening to hurt him or actually hurting him, and without being grabbed, shouted at, scolded, or emotionally harmed. I am happy that my tired toddler was able to have their needs recognised, that my child who had been hit was able to be comforted at the same time; and that everyone's needs were hence met peacefully.
I think this unfortunate fact that we elicit anger in others when we elect not to punish our children, can illustrate the sorry state of childrens' rights. Children are viewed as so incapable that to not punish them is seen as erroneous. It also speaks a bit about the violence problem we have in our communities, even when it is disguised (as it almost always is) in other ways, or explained away as being about something else. It seems like, if you can't mistreat my child or watch me do it, then you will do it to me instead. That is aggressive and a bit terrifying. Are we all just living lives of overpowering others and using violence against them while thinking ourselves justified and progressive? Realistically, people who say they "love children" hurt them, isolate them, and deny them the right to consent or not to things, every day. That's violent and there is no other way to fairly see that. I think it is fair to guess that punishment has created this level of violence in our communities. When kids are raised being shown that it's normal to use power to harm others to get what they want (because adults model this to them); what else is there for them to conclude but that violence solves problems? And when we keep punishing because we think violence is the great tool of parenting and social reform, that violence continues to cycle through our communities.
In opposition to violence, an effort of peace toward our kids helps them to become peaceful. This must surely help the world to become more peaceful because what is the world we know if not the values of the people within it? Punishing our children does not help toward peace, because it is innately violent and hence inevitably spreads violence. Peace spreads peace. I think compassion is contagious. When we make small changes to our mindsets and to how we live; we end up having an impact far beyond ourselves and our own families.
To those reading this whose children have already grown, or to those who have already had experiences interacting with children - this movement toward being punishment-free is not about them or about your past actions. In a way, it is about all children of course. But those children already had their time and we cannot change that now. The parents and adults of the past had their own resources available to them, and they made their choices based on what they had. We are in a different time now and we can make our choices based on what we have. This movement is for all the children still to come in this world. It is for our grandchildren, great grandchildren, great great grandchildren and beyond! It is for us too, to learn what it can be like to live with children without believing that we need to inflict pain upon them in order to help them. What if you could learn to just be with kids, without feeling the responsibility of having to use violence against them?
Punishment is not something we ever have to do, in parenting. We can choose to nurture connection, extend grace, and demonstrate patience and understanding; with and toward our kids. There are other tools, skills, and philosophies we can turn to as our children grow alongside us. I have deep hopes that these ideas will spread and that more and more children will know the calm of a punishment-free life, and I think this movement has already begun.
Adults do hold a lot of power over children, however well-intentioned they may be. All through our societies, across all social classes, over all the countries of the world and in every kind of community imaginable; there is a chasm of a power imbalance between adults and children. In the kindest and most stable of families, children are born to parents they didn't choose, live in a home they didn't have a say in, and are brought up in a way that someone else decides upon. If we think more broadly about all that is demanded of children while they live these lives that were pre-selected for them; this illuminates the same thing. Adults hold significant power over children.
I believe that we live in a new era of childrens' rights; that something big is happening and that change is bubbling up. We have people now whose careers are built around the rights of children. People are discussing whether they have a right to hit their children and that is a heavily debated parenting topic. I think it is promising that we are seeing these things. Children will benefit from that. Certainly children all over the place are still denied rights constantly and this is considered not out of the ordinary; but I feel hopeful that this is a conversation being had. I think our children will reap the benefits of this change and of the shifting in our own minds as we think about new ways to do things.
I want to talk about one of the most basic things I feel our kids need, moving forward into a more respectful and safe future for kids - the right to be free of punishment. Not hitting children is one part of this, but punishment goes beyond hitting and into other methods which are designed to harm children (and which do harm children). That entire paradigm is problematic. There is no respectful way to punish somebody. When we consider that children are developmentally immature by design and as a natural part of childhood, making it expected that they act like children and be imperfect every day; the violence of punishment becomes clearer still.
Punishment is considered good parenting right now. All along the way, when you are a parent here in Australia (where I live), you are supported to punish your children and enabled to continue doing so. And you receive what I call, social punishment if you don't. As in, not only are you not supported to raise children punishment-free, but you will actually hit barriers that have been put in your way on purpose, barriers designed to make it harder for you, if you make the decision to raise your children without punishing them. People want you to suffer, because they see this as doing something wrong as a parent. They see you as not doing your job properly.
One day I visited the office of a local Child Health Nurse. I went there on advice from an organisation that had been supporting me. I had been sent because they were a pathway for me in seeking a type of support I wished to access. When I arrived at this person's office, they were so angry to find out that I didn't punish my children (one of my toddlers hit the other which was a sign to me that they were tired, so I immediately picked them up and they promptly fell asleep in my arms); that they denied me an appointment and the usual brochures and other support usually given to people in my situation. They became infuriated. A colleague came over to intervene because of the aggression from them.
I left there as a young, poor, disabled parent of four young children, having been denied appropriate support (and support that I was entitled to as a community member) as punishment for my parenting decisions. She held up a parenting course to me as kind of leverage, saying that if I agreed to do it she would support me. I did not agree to do it. It was a course about punishment and reward. I had already analysed this particular course and many of you have probably even been to it. I can tell when I am in public and coming into contact with families, that many people in my area have done this course or are using its principles. Like many similar courses and step-by-steps about raising kids with punishment, it is cleverly framed as being about connection and "positive behaviours", but is more about using force and power to coerce kids into compliance, and to teach adults to look past reasons for behaviours and toward how to get them to stop as quickly as possible.
When we left, my son who was fascinated by letterboxes at that time, didn't want to leave because there was an interesting letterbox. Me and my other three children stood there waiting while he looked at the letterbox. I didn't want to stay there at the time - the incident was upsetting and I wanted to leave. But I had chosen to work on a certain kind of relationship with my children, so my son remained free to enjoy the letterbox without me using force to bring him away. And while I was upset by that incident and still think about it five years later, I feel fortunate that my children were safe from punishment and that my son was free to look at a letterbox. I am grateful that he was able to keep his own curiosity and interests. I am happy that he could explore his world without someone threatening to hurt him or actually hurting him, and without being grabbed, shouted at, scolded, or emotionally harmed. I am happy that my tired toddler was able to have their needs recognised, that my child who had been hit was able to be comforted at the same time; and that everyone's needs were hence met peacefully.
I think this unfortunate fact that we elicit anger in others when we elect not to punish our children, can illustrate the sorry state of childrens' rights. Children are viewed as so incapable that to not punish them is seen as erroneous. It also speaks a bit about the violence problem we have in our communities, even when it is disguised (as it almost always is) in other ways, or explained away as being about something else. It seems like, if you can't mistreat my child or watch me do it, then you will do it to me instead. That is aggressive and a bit terrifying. Are we all just living lives of overpowering others and using violence against them while thinking ourselves justified and progressive? Realistically, people who say they "love children" hurt them, isolate them, and deny them the right to consent or not to things, every day. That's violent and there is no other way to fairly see that. I think it is fair to guess that punishment has created this level of violence in our communities. When kids are raised being shown that it's normal to use power to harm others to get what they want (because adults model this to them); what else is there for them to conclude but that violence solves problems? And when we keep punishing because we think violence is the great tool of parenting and social reform, that violence continues to cycle through our communities.
In opposition to violence, an effort of peace toward our kids helps them to become peaceful. This must surely help the world to become more peaceful because what is the world we know if not the values of the people within it? Punishing our children does not help toward peace, because it is innately violent and hence inevitably spreads violence. Peace spreads peace. I think compassion is contagious. When we make small changes to our mindsets and to how we live; we end up having an impact far beyond ourselves and our own families.
To those reading this whose children have already grown, or to those who have already had experiences interacting with children - this movement toward being punishment-free is not about them or about your past actions. In a way, it is about all children of course. But those children already had their time and we cannot change that now. The parents and adults of the past had their own resources available to them, and they made their choices based on what they had. We are in a different time now and we can make our choices based on what we have. This movement is for all the children still to come in this world. It is for our grandchildren, great grandchildren, great great grandchildren and beyond! It is for us too, to learn what it can be like to live with children without believing that we need to inflict pain upon them in order to help them. What if you could learn to just be with kids, without feeling the responsibility of having to use violence against them?
Punishment is not something we ever have to do, in parenting. We can choose to nurture connection, extend grace, and demonstrate patience and understanding; with and toward our kids. There are other tools, skills, and philosophies we can turn to as our children grow alongside us. I have deep hopes that these ideas will spread and that more and more children will know the calm of a punishment-free life, and I think this movement has already begun.
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